


Houston, We Have a Problem

by KaikaKokoro



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Biting, Blood and Injury, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Competition, Established Relationship, F/M, Groping, Jade Harley Has a Dog Penis, Non-Graphic Violence, Oral Sex, Pegging, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Post-Canon, Strap-Ons, Trans Female Character, Trans Female Jade Harley, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Dirk Strider
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2021-01-30 01:20:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21419830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaikaKokoro/pseuds/KaikaKokoro
Summary: Caliginous rivals Dirk and Jade throw down in the abandoned ruins of Houston, Texas.
Relationships: Jade Harley/Dirk Strider
Comments: 9
Kudos: 32





	Houston, We Have a Problem

It started out like most things in your life do before they spiral out of control: with a simple idea. At first, your sparring matches with Jade were just some basic hand-to-hand stuff. Nothing fancy, just some good old fashioned fistkind strifing. She tended to favor grabs and holds, to keep you from flash stepping, while your style was more like death by a thousand cuts - move fast, wear 'em down, punish weak spots. Just some classic Strider style. Jade is competitive, though, maybe even as much as you are, and soon the two of you were getting fraymotifs involved, using real weapons, anything that would let you bring more of your skills to bear.

Which brings you to today, standing on one end of the crumbling ruins which were once known as downtown Houston. It's a dangerous place to fight, with streets littered with pieces of shell and glass and rusted metal, and unstable architecture all around. Despite having technically grown up here, though, you don't know the city any better than she does. It was deep underwater for most of your childhood, after all. You take shelter from the hot sun, reclining in the shade of a nearby building, and mentally review your plan.

Somewhere on the opposite side of the city is Jade. You've both agreed to keep your god tier powers on lock, and no outside help, but everything else is on the table. No holds barred, no punches pulled. You're not out here trying to kill each other, but it's fully possible that either of you could die by accident. You don't know what her strategy is, but you're pretty damn sure she's gonna want a high vantage point for her rifle, which means rooftops and windows near open streets. Rooftops are your preferred terrain, too, but without the range advantage, you just can't risk it. Jade is not someone to be underestimated.

"Sooo, are you almost ready?" Her voice comes in through your earpiece, sounding bored.

"Thought I was waiting on you, doll." You can perfectly imagine the look of irritation on her face. She hates it when you call her that.

"Hmph! You're gonna wish you had more time, mister! May the best woman win!" The second her voice cuts off, you're on the move, cutting through an alleyway and stepping around piles of rubble. No sense staying put. It'll just give her more time to set up. Your hoverboard would be too obvious at this point, so you uncaptchalogue your HIGH GRIP GLOVES, alchemized specifically for clinging to walls like the goddamn spider badass you are.

"If you swing for the king then you best not slip, got pitches for bitches that'll trip your **grip**." You rap to yourself to activate your tech hop modus, and slip on the gloves, using them to jump from wall to wall in places where there isn't a clear path along the ground.

"Hmm… grip, huh? Maybe something with velcro… or gloves? Are you putting on cleats, Dirk?" Jade quips, and your expression tightens. You knew she'd be able to hear you using your modus, but you'd gone out of your way to give everything more obscure keywords. The fact that she's so close with her guesses already is a bad sign. Then again, you could just be fucking with her, right?

"Not stressin' your guessin', your flow is mad stale, call me Moby Dirk, 'cause I'm haulin' a whale." There are no whales in your sylladex, but you hear her go quiet on the other end, trying to figure out what it refers to. Hah, that'll keep her occupied. And you're _not_ going to think twice about how absolutely uncool the Moby Dirk pun was. Not even a little bit.

"Are you calling me fat?" You almost trip over a piece of rebar, and curse under your breath. Not quietly enough, though, because you can hear Jade giggling. "Gotcha! It's gonna take more than a few whale stickers to throw me off, you know!"

"Couldn't pull a fast one on you, huh? Now if only you could solve the case of the disappearing tennis ball."

"Oh my god, it was _one time!!"_

You allow yourself a smirk at that response. Hey, there's no one around to see it. You can afford yourself a well-earned luxury. Treat yo self. Alright, enough smirking. As quietly as you can, you clamber up the side of an abandoned high-rise, and scan the rooftops for a glint of metal. Any sign that Jade might be waiting for you. Pure instinct has you ducking back down almost immediately, as a bullet flies dangerously close to your head. Damn. Is it natural to be this turned on by someone shooting to kill? You let the shiver run down your spine, and quickly flash step a few blocks away.

"Hey there pumpkin. Trigger finger getting slow?"

"It wouldn't be fun if it was over too quickly!" The singsong tone of her voice doesn't match her ruthless sniper skills at all, and it's unfairly adorable. "Besides, I can see your dorky hair spikes from miles away!" Okay, moment over. You draw an appearifier rifle from your strife deck, and make your way in the direction you're pretty sure the bullet came from. You didn't see her there, though, which means she's probably using some kind of urban camouflage. You crouch down on the stairs of a rusty fire escape, just below the rooftop level.

"My lyrics are illin', grammatically high, these fires are chillin', got thermals to **fly**." Your hoverboard pops out of your sylladex, and in one swift motion, you kick it on and fling it in another direction. As soon as it clears the rooftops, it bursts into a shower of sparks and flame, but that's all the time you need to rush up the last few stairs of the fire escape, and take a shot in the direction of the muzzle flash. You appearify a gray-brown tarp in front of you, exposing two stark white ears that poke up from behind the barrel of a rifle. You squeeze off another quick shot at the gun itself, but she pulls back as fast as lightning, down into the stairwell she was shooting from.

Taking your brief window of opportunity, you return the rifle to your specibus and sprint across the rooftops separating the two of you, vaulting over crumbling sections and staying low to make yourself as small a target as possible. You can hear the rush of her breathing and the echo of footsteps through her audio feed, before they settle back into careful silence again, and you bunker down on a nearby roof, carefully scanning the windows of her building. None of the windows have glass in them, so you figure you could jump through one if you needed to, but there's also no sign of Jade.

"Heeere, kitty kitty..." You whisper, careful not to be loud enough to reveal your position, and draw a fancy santa into one hand, ready to throw it as another diversion.

"Aww, that's cute, but the game's already over, Dirk! Now turn around slowly, if you please! No sudden movements!" Your blood runs cold, as you calculate your odds on the fly, and flash step to the left, drawing your katana in preparation for a bullet that… never comes. There's nothing behind you. _Damn that girl._ You whip back around, just in time to see a live grenade arcing down towards your position, and the toe of a shoe sticking out from behind a window. Instead of trying to contend with the grenade (she threw a GRENADE at you! this girl is crazy), you lunge forward, right through the open window.

A piece of shrapnel slices through your right calf, but you stick the landing, and stab at her shoe in the same, fluid motion. She pulls back just enough to avoid getting her foot impaled, but falls backwards from the sudden movement impairment, the concussive boom from the grenade drowning out whatever choice Harley swears spill from her mouth. You're on her in a flash, but she catches your chest with her other foot, flinging you over her head with the momentum of your lunge. You grab your katana as you go, and just like that, she's back on her feet, eyeing you warily. You carefully adjust your stance to hide your injury, but you can feel blood dripping down your leg. She sniffs the air, and flashes you a wolfish grin.

"Happy birthday?" She offers, her gaze never leaving your blade, and you mentally berate yourself for thinking you could hide that from her freakish first guardian half. Her voice echoes in your earpiece, so you take it out and tuck it into your pocket. Now that you're seeing her up close, it looks like she opted for some extra padding to help deal with your sword. She's wearing long sleeves and bulky pants, with obvious combat armor underneath it. Probably layered kevlar. It won't be enough to stop your katana, but it'll at least make your blows less lethal. She looks like she's suffering for it in the heat, though. Her bangs are clinging to her forehead with sweat, and her face is flushed. Time to give her a good workout, then.

"Never been much for celebrating mine," you reply, and slowly start to circle her, favoring your uninjured leg. A little blood loss never killed anyone, and you're sure as hell not about to let it stop you. She squares up, and draws a sword of her own. You quirk an eyebrow at her.

"Got Dave to teach me," she announces proudly, slowly circling as well. Something doesn't add up there, though. You expected her to pull a stunt like this, so you've been keeping an eye on Dave's regular schedule. He hasn't been training her… unless time powers were involved? Something about the way she holds the blade seems familiar, though, and you're just about to put two and two together when she kicks up a pile of dirt at your face. Oh, motherfucker. She learned from _Vriska_.

You shield your face from the spray, and then she's on you, lunging and slashing as you backpedal, parrying her strikes where necessary. She doesn't have anywhere near the level of finesse that you have, but she's throwing a lot of power into her swings. You make a calculated dodge to throw her off balance, and swing at her shoulder, but the telltale notes of a fraymotif kick in, and she follows her overextended swing into a roll, avoiding your attack and popping back up with dirt on her cheek and an obnoxious smile on her face.

Damn, you want to kiss that smug look off of her.

There's no way in hell you're going to let her show you up in swordsmanship, though, so you activate a fraymotif of your own, your movements blurring into afterimages as you press the attack, forcing her to backpedal and leaving no room for a counterattack. A nerve tweaks in your injured leg, though, and she finds her opening. One moment, her sword is flying towards your neck, and the next…

A dull _clang_ echoes through the room, as the sharp end of her sword hits the ground, cut cleanly in two by your katana. Amateur hour. She winces from the cut you left on her arm from the follow-through, and drops what's left of her blade with a growl, before tackling you.

You manage to land another shallow cut on her arm in the melee, but you can't get a good angle at this range, so you switch to fistkind yourself, and brace against the impact as she slams you against a wall. Thinking fast, you hook your legs behind Jade's knees, and shove off from the wall, forcing her to tumble backwards from the momentum. She lands heavily on her back, and you straddle her chest, pinning her arms with your newfound leverage. You spit on her face for good measure, and the look of sheer outrage is absolutely worth the inevitable bruises, as she brings her legs up, locking her ankles around your neck and yanking you back with enough force to make you cough.

"You... _bitch!"_ She shouts, voice full of indignation, and you chuckle as you roll over, squirming out of the vicegrip that is Jade's legs (although it wouldn't be a bad way to go, really). She reaches for her broken sword, but you kick it out of the way, and throw a few quick jabs at her bleeding arm. She sweeps your leg out from under you, though, and shoves you over onto your chest, grinding a knee right up between your legs, which is less of a sound wrestling strategy, and more of a fucking distraction. She's trying to turn you on while also pressing you down against dirty concrete, damn if that isn't right up your alley. 

You grit your teeth, and push upwards, throwing her off balance enough to roll out from underneath her. You're both breathing heavily now, but you're nowhere near done. Jade sniffs the air again, like the feral dog she is.

"What's wrong, Dirk? Getting all hot and bothered from this?" She licks her lips, and you roll your eyes from behind the impenetrable anonymity of your shades. 

"Yeah sure Harley, focus in on a slight spill in the crotch department when everyone can see you tenting your padded pants." She glances down for just a moment in embarrassment, and you take that moment to flash step forward, grabbing hold of her hurt arm and wrenching it up behind her back. She hisses, going up on her tiptoes to take some of the pressure off, and you lean in to grope her bulge with your spare hand. You can feel her shiver in response, but she pulls herself together enough to get a fistful of your hair, and yank your head to the side. You shove her forward, sending her stumbling, and by the time she turns around, you have the point of your katana at her throat.

"Looks like this round goes to me. You fight dirty, Jade. Maybe someone oughta teach you about chivalry." You tilt her chin up with your blade, and her eyes meet yours with cold ferocity. Head held steady, as if she's still calculating a way to escape. You don't give her the opportunity, though, pressing the tip more firmly to her throat, until a few drops of blood start to bead. She swallows carefully.

"Fine. You win this time."

"Atta girl. Now, off with the clothes." You don't move an inch. She narrows her eyes at you, but you can see her biting the inside of her cheek, and the airy thrum of the wardrobifier leaves her in undergarments - a matching set of shiny red. She probably picked red on purpose, just to mess with you. You'll never admit it's working. "Those too," you add.

"Hey wait, I can't be the only one getting-" You cut her off by putting ever so slightly more pressure on your sword, and just like that, your kismesis is standing naked in front of you, smeared with sweat and dirt and blood. The light from the sun overhead catches one side of her body in a harsh glow, and she squirms a little at your gaze, her doggy dick standing at attention. You linger like this for a few more moments, but you're a mere man, not immune to the appeal of the sight set before you, and you let the katana return to your strife deck, before rushing forward to pin her against the wall in a rough kiss.

Her claws dig into your shoulders almost immediately, as she meets your lips with equal intensity, a soft moan escaping her throat as she does so. You push your tongue into her mouth, sandwiching her between your body and the wall, and she bites down on it, not hard enough to draw blood, but hard enough to send another spark down into the fire building in your core. You slip a hand down to stroke her member, and her knees almost buckle.

"Hhhah, Dirk, please..." she whimpers. Oh, yeah. That's more like it. You pull her down towards a (relatively) clear spot on the old concrete, and press a boot against her chest to keep her in place, as you lift your tank top up and over your head, followed by your binder. Ah, fresh air. Jade, from her position on the floor, is shamelessly ogling you, so you make a show of drawing a heavy knife and cutting away your own pants and boxers, without ever lifting your foot off of her.

When you finish undressing, you finally lift your foot, leaving a satisfying boot print across her breasts. You drop to one knee at her side, and she reaches up to grope at your inner thigh.

"You… are such a tease…" she complains, but you scoot a little further away, and take off your shades, so you can give her your best "total innocence" expression.

"I'm sure I have no idea what you mean, Miss Harley."

"If you don't… get your butt on top of me… right now… I'm gonna die." Wrong answer.

"Is that a promise?" You snipe back, and move yourself to kneel between her legs as you take off your gloves. "Little Miss Harley, gets what she wants with a snap, iced mocha frappe for her majesty's lap, can't help the yappin', ain't nobody nap when I break out the rap 'n they're clappin', 'cause I got the heaviest beats to the sound of my **strap**." You catch the heavy strap-on in one hand, as you watch the dawning realization in Jade's eyes.

"I- but you can't just-"

"Winner takes all, Harley. My school, my rules." You fasten the harness tightly, and fish the bottle of lube out of a pants pocket (nothing good rhymes with lube), before pouring a generous amount on your new, bright orange dick.

"No, I mean, you can't just make those dumb raps sexy! It's not possible!" You pause, and lean forward over Jade, your strap rubbing up against her poor, neglected cock and eliciting a frustrated gasp from her.

"Watch me." You lean back, and prod up against her ass, not forcing anything in, but not giving her a proper warm-up, either. She squirms, chewing at her lip as you lean a little more pressure into it, and her concentration falters even more, her hands balling up into fists for lack of something to hold onto. It's an endurance game, at this point. She can't stay tensed up like this forever, and you both know it. You reach forward to flick at her nipples, pinch at her thighs, whatever whim strikes you to tire her out quicker, until, finally, you slip inside, along with a few extra inches all at once, just from how hard you were pressing.

_"Fffuck!"_ Jade shouts, and you let a smug smile slip onto your face.

"That's it, nice and tight for me." You lean forward again, hands on either side of her, and rock your hips, feeling her cock twitch against your stomach as she wraps her arms around your back, pulling you down into a kiss. It's a little softer this time, but she bites at your lower lip after a few moments, and she's not at all gentle about it. You grunt, and start to pound out a steady rhythm to keep her occupied. She breaks off the kiss with a mischievous look in her eyes.

"That's better! Don't go getting distracted by my beauty here, bro, you've got a job to do!" Even from the bottom, she just can't keep her snarky mouth shut (you love it, though). You're playing right into her hand now as you pick up your pace, but she's matching you with her hips, and it's doing _things_ to your sense of restraint.

"Careful what you wish for." And you lean down to dig your teeth into her neck. _That_ gets a response, and you swear she must be drawing blood as she rakes her claws down your back and _yips_. You start sucking on her neck in turn, determined to leave a mark she can't hide, and double down on the force of your thrusts, despite the complaints of your injured leg. You're basically folding her in half at this point, with her knees pressed down on either side of her chest, locked in place with the force of her own hold on you.

"Ohhh, god, Dirk! Don't stop oh my god!!" You drop down onto your elbows for support, grabbing a fistful of her hair and _growling_ as you bite down again on her neck, and warm liquid spills over her stomach as she shudders and bucks erratically. You give her another dozen thrusts or so for good measure, before gradually easing out of her, and letting her legs slump back down into a more comfortable position as you unfasten the harness and captchalogue it.

You resist the (extremely tempting) urge to use your god tier powers to float, and instead force yourself to stand up, shaky as you are, and move up to straddle her face with your crotch, without so much as a word. Your brain is in too much of a fog to string a sentence together, and for all her irritating qualities, Jade knows what to do with her mouth. The feeling of her tongue inside you is like fire, and you practically grind against her face, forcing every tiny shred of pleasure onto the fire in your core until it peaks, and you shudder through an orgasm of your own, with Jade's name on your lips.

Utterly exhausted, you move to slump over to one side, but two hands grip your thighs like a steel vice, and a string of curses slips out of you as Jade only picks up the pace once more. You lean back as her tongue mercilessly works all the right spots inside you, and within a few minutes, you're seeing stars, and your back is awkwardly wet from having dipped into the small pool of cum left on her stomach. 

Having apparently finally satisfied her own sadistic desire to hear you scream her name, Jade finally lets you go, and you collapse next to her on the ground. You need a shower more than you've ever needed a shower in your life, and probably a solid dose of first aid, too, but you don't think you could move even a single muscle right now if you tried. The two of you just lie there, breathing heavily in the hot afternoon sun.

"I think," Jade starts, and you groan. "I think I'd call this a tie."

"I hate you."

"Aww, the feeling is mutual!" It sure the fuck is, you think as you absentmindedly brush a finger against her arm. It sure the fuck is.

**Author's Note:**

> We have fanart!  
[Link 1](https://dailydirkjade.tumblr.com/post/190105886566/fanart-for-this-amazing-fanfic-writed-by)


End file.
